Mar. 25th, 2002

it seems like last week was ages ago... my general outlook on life has been completely reversed. i'm a lot happier than i've been for a very long time. i'm not as lonely as i used be either. things seem like they're finally going my way.

... and i'm scared to death. over the years i've constructed thick mental barriers to protect me from getting hurt, but they also prevented me from getting close to people, and from forging strong bonds. (i"ve been called an "ice queen" more than once.) i just have trouble relating to and dealing with other people; i'm not trying to be distant or cold. for the most part, i don't have a clue about what other people are thinking. i think i'm a little socially inept and kinda paranoid about what people think of me. so please, if i don't seem super affectionate (this does not apply to 'drunk affectionate kt') or i don't say much, understand that it doesn't mean that i don't love you to death or dearly value your friendship. i'm making an honest effort to break down the walls, but i have issues with trust, so it may take a while.


i have no idea where the above paragraph came from. when i sat down, i was just gonna do my typical "this was my day... blah, blah, blah" update thing.

uh... yeah.


(this is why kt cut herself off from caffeine... when she has caffeine, she gets weird and writes weird things... and refers to herself in the third person...)
panic attacks at 4 a.m. are not cool.

option a: take xanax
pros: calm down, fall asleep, feel better.
cons: sleep through class (again), feel guilty about sleeping through class.

option b: don't take xanax
pros: don't sleep through class. feel good about not being lazy for once.
cons: don't sleep at all. remember how to breathe hours after panic attack started.

i chose option b. class had better be pretty fucking good today.



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