my dad's in the hospital again.

in her e-mail, my mom said that it was 'probably just a really bad case of the flu, and not complications from surgery.' i sure hope so.
panic attacks at 4 a.m. are not cool.

option a: take xanax
pros: calm down, fall asleep, feel better.
cons: sleep through class (again), feel guilty about sleeping through class.

option b: don't take xanax
pros: don't sleep through class. feel good about not being lazy for once.
cons: don't sleep at all. remember how to breathe hours after panic attack started.


i chose option b. class had better be pretty fucking good today.
it seems like last week was ages ago... my general outlook on life has been completely reversed. i'm a lot happier than i've been for a very long time. i'm not as lonely as i used be either. things seem like they're finally going my way.

... and i'm scared to death. over the years i've constructed thick mental barriers to protect me from getting hurt, but they also prevented me from getting close to people, and from forging strong bonds. (i"ve been called an "ice queen" more than once.) i just have trouble relating to and dealing with other people; i'm not trying to be distant or cold. for the most part, i don't have a clue about what other people are thinking. i think i'm a little socially inept and kinda paranoid about what people think of me. so please, if i don't seem super affectionate (this does not apply to 'drunk affectionate kt') or i don't say much, understand that it doesn't mean that i don't love you to death or dearly value your friendship. i'm making an honest effort to break down the walls, but i have issues with trust, so it may take a while.

...

i have no idea where the above paragraph came from. when i sat down, i was just gonna do my typical "this was my day... blah, blah, blah" update thing.

uh... yeah.

goodnight.

(this is why kt cut herself off from caffeine... when she has caffeine, she gets weird and writes weird things... and refers to herself in the third person...)
my heart hurts.

i don't know how to fix it.
alright... even though my family's computer has decided that it hates me and doesn't want me to know what my friends are doing, maybe it will let me update.

that's one of the reasons that i haven't updated in so long. the other reason is that i'm a lazy bitch.

break has been good so far, but i'm really eager to get back to bloomington. i've spent the last two days feeling horribly out of place in ann arbor, where u of m's campus is. i felt like i should have been running into people that i know, like i do when i'm walking around bloomington. i love ann arbor, it's a really great city, but it doesn't have the familiarity that it once did. i feel like a traitor to my family and my previous hopes and dreams because i don't go to u of m. i feel like i'm betraying ann arbor, where i've grown up, and that i'm not supposed to be there any more. it's weird.

i'll probably end up working there this summer any way. i put in applications at a record store, urban outfitters, hot topic, and a store named "wizzywig" that specializes in japanese imports (especially anime videos and dvd, manga, video game merch., and the fun little cute animal stuff.) that would be a rad job. i'd become an even bigger nerd though, and probably spend all of my paychecks there.

i am currently in the process of doing about a million loads of laundry. i was going to do it when i was staying at scott's, but again, i am a lazy bitch and preferred smoking cigarettes and getting pretty drunk to doing laundry.

speaking of which... i was a lush last weekend. oops. i don't remember most of friday and saturday nights, which sucks because i know that i had some really good conversations (and i only remember parts of them. dammit!). hey scott and justin - thanks for putting up with drunk kt last weekend. it will happen again, i'm sure.

from what i remember of last weekend, i had a pretty good time (when i was not hung over, that is...). i got to see simon (a.k.a. "si-monster") my favorite kitty ever, and introduced scott to the craziness that is susie. saturday i didn't want to move until afternoon, and then i ended up getting drunk (and apparently very talkative) again. sunday me, [livejournal.com profile] rockmusicnerd, and [livejournal.com profile] scott_tribute went to cincinnati to see brand new, further seems forever, and hot rod circuit. it was a great show; i'm really glad i got to see brand new play live again, cuz they rock. after their set, the adrenaline wore off and the hangover came back, so i was a loser and sat in the back. scott was nice and sat back there with me, while justin the DORK who deserves an ASS-KICKING got onstage. grrrr. (j/k). i fell asleep on the drive home after stealing shotgun from justin (ha!) and then crashed.

justin and scott woke me up monday by lying on me. thanks, guys. i'm sure that i make a great pillow. i had to get up and drive back to michigan. wheee....

the drive took me about 6 hours, i stopped a couple times for food (still had a little residual hangover. bleh.) and drove about 90-95 mph the entire way home. i got home and surpised my parents with my lip ring. they hate it, but i get to keep it for a while. woo hoo! my mom says she can't even look at me now. oh well...

i went into ann arbor today, and as i was stopping for a flashing red light, i see a girl frantically waving her arms at me. it was JANEL! (best friend for michigan). we ended up hanging out all evening and going out to dinner and stuff. i'm so glad that i ran into her there (she goes to u of m); i was going to call her, but there just wasn't time for us to hang out, so i didn't. guess we just got lucky. she was on the top of her game tonight; i've never met anyone who makes as many mistakes while talking. it's pretty funny.

soooo.... that brings this up to now. i'm currently waiting for the dryer to stop so that i can fold my light-colored clothes, then put my red clothes into the dryer! aren't you excited?!

me neither.
i think my stomach has decided that it doesn't like dairy products any more. for some reason, all through high school i was lactose-intolerant, then it just kind of went away. i think it's back now. dammit.

i went to denny's tonight and got a lot of studying done for my chemistry midterm (yes! on a saturday night). justin is a good influence on me. i had about 5 or 6 cappuchinos, so i'm a little jittery. i also had a bagel with cream cheese, which i think is the reason that i'm feeling sick now. they put butter on the bagel. eeeew. i got made fun of again because i can't properly say the word "bagel." apparently, i have a michigan accent. i had no idea. mandy says that i say "bay-gel" and really enunciate my a's (car = caaahr, accent = aaahccent, etc...) what a crappy (i mean "craaahppy") accent to have; i didn't even realize that i talk like that.

once i got home from denny's, i had to go right back. mandy and trent had a fight on their way home, and she got out of the car and walked back to denny's. she's back at trent's now, so i guess they've made up. they have a very hot/cold relationship. if they're not "busy" and all over one another, they're arguing. most of the time, mandy's really happy with him though. she's almost become domestic. she does his laundry, cleans his house, and brings him lunch and dinner at work. i never thought i'd see the day when that would happen. crazy...

my room is about -23,854 degrees right now; i can barely type because my hands are shaking. brrrrrr.... *shiver* crazy indiana weather.

i'm going to go put on a million sweaters and crawl into my warm bed to see if i can actually get some sleep tonight. (kt + caffeine = awake forever)
i was 'comic book nerd girl' today, which was fun. i went to vintage phoenix and finally picked up 'ghost world' for comic book class. i got an issue of jim mahfood's 'grrl scouts' and two issues of jill thompson's 'scary godmother,' which absolutely rules. i am officially in love with her art now. when i get some extra cash, i'm going to try to get all of the other issues.

i decided not to go to 'the syndicate strikes back' at space 101 tonight. i really wanted to go, it's been forever since i've heard my friends spin, but i'm absolutely broke. having my car towed last week really took a chunk out of my spending money. i'm going to have to carefully ration my $174 if it's going to last me for a month. i guess i'll just go to denny's instead, and listen to some drum 'n bass in the car on the way. it's kind of the same as going, only without the incredible sound, live dj's, my friends, people dancing, and flashing lights.
...
okay, so it's not like going to space 101 at all, but it'll have to do.

justin sent me the two invader zim episodes that i was missing (fbi warning of doom + door to door)! jhonen vasquez is jesus.

WHY is his head so big? why IS his head so big?

i <3 gir.

JESUS.

Mar. 1st, 2002 03:51 pm
Bobalu43: hello there

this guy's profile: Interested in chatting. I love talking to women and age does not matter. I love younger women 18 - 25. Interested in meeting younger women from North East Indiana, North West Ohio. Got questions ...I got answers! My ICQ number is 29914194, I have Yahoo Messenger: bobalu43 Look me up there too. I am 45 years old ...born and raised in Indiana. I am intelligent, and a college graduate. I love the outdoors, nature and sports. Camping, hiking and the lake are fun activities. Traveling is my way of expanding the universe around me. I like to read profiles...I took the time to fill one out so can you!!


sweet mother of GOD. why are these people messaging me?

creepy men, go away!
creepy instant message of the day:

TRAILBLAZER33: Hi sexy

i promptly blocked him. at first i was freaked out, but these instant messages are actually pretty funny (in a 'pathetic internet loser with nothing better to do but IM me' kind of way.)
TRAILBLAZER33: GIVE ME A CALL I AM A OLDER MAN (***) ***-****. M Y NAME IS Walter.


who ARE these people?


Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

finally, a quiz/test thing that's absolutely correct. when i have caffeine/sugar, i act like a hyperactive six-year-old with ADD. wait, no, that's not right... i act like that all the time, especially around lolly. HeheHEHEheHEheEHheEhheEHEh...

O_o

anyway... um...

i changed my lip ring today. the new one is a lot smaller, and fits more closely. yay!

there were some guys at denny's making wookie noises. it was funny.

i finally got my parking permit, so instead of having my car towed from the mall, i get to wake up at 6:30 every morning to move it so that it doesn't get towed from the lot behind the dorm. woo haw.
Bukey58: are you there
Bukey58: astreaxplease respond
astrea x: i'm here now, who is this?
Bukey58: how are you bukey58
astrea x: i'm fine, but who are you?
Bukey58: i saw your picture on aol
Bukey58: the chat line
astrea x: the chat line?
Bukey58: yes.


i don't have a picture on aol. only on livejournal and on yahoo, but the yahoo one doesn't have my aol screen name. so where did he see my picture, and who the hell is this guy?

creepy...
kt + panic attack + xanax + bed = kt + bed (time = 4:00 p.m.) = kt slept through class

dammit.
today has been kind of... not good.

my dad's surgery went well, so i'm relieved, but he's still in the hospital, so i'm still a nervous wreck.

my mom called me this evening. apparently someone broke into our house last night while they were sleeping. they stole about $400, credit cards, watches, 2 cell phones, the kitchen phone, my dad's prescriptions, my brother's adderall prescription, their new camera, the video camera, my brother's doc martens, and a case of bottled water. it sounds like it was just some teenagers who did it. it worries me even more though because they were home at the time.

this was enough to send me into panic attack mode. not good.

scott bought me cigarettes and took me to denny's, so i've calmed down a little.

Kid Icarus A: (((((hug)))))))
Kid Icarus A: thats my good luck hug for your dad and you
astrea x: awww... :-) thank you so much.

proof that nice boys DO exist.
my dad is having surgery tomorrow. again.

i always get so paranoid when he's in the hospital. it's times like this that make me wish i was a little closer to home. just in case.

last year when he was having heart problems, ended up in the hospital, and had to have two angioplasties, i was a wreck. my hands shook for about three weeks. the worst part was that i didn't even find out that he was in the hospital until i went home for homecoming. i got home pretty late, and went straight to bed. my mom woke me up in the morning and told me that he was in the hospital because he'd had chest pains. he had to have an angioplasty the night before, while i was driving home. as she was telling me this, the doctor called and told her that he had to have the second surgery. i didn't even know that he was having heart trouble before i got home. if i hadn't have gone home, when would they have told me about it?

his whole family has heart trouble; my grandpa has had multiple bypasses. i just wish i could be nearby in case something goes wrong.

my dad and i have always been really close. it kills him that i'm so far away from him all the time. he sent me a ring that he had gotten repaired for me once. in the envelope was a post-it note, telling me that he missed me and loved me. on the note, he had circled and labelled a tear that had fallen on the paper while he was writing it. the only time i've ever seen my father cry was they day they dropped me off at school my freshman year.

i'm so lucky to have him, i don't know what i'd do if something were to happen to him.

i'd be lost.



i'm wearing the t-shirt he bought for me in las vegas when i was in second grade (yes, it still fits.) it says "daddy's girl."

with a dad like him, it's impossible not to be a daddy's girl.



god, please let him be okay. please please please please please
today was... filled with unexpected events. i went to my classes, then went out to the mall to get my car. my car was not at the mall. fuck. turns out that it got towed. looks like i won't be parking it there overnight ever again. scott took me to get it back, and it cost me $70. then, he decided that i was having a bad day, and that i needed to celebrate by having a large bald man shove a needle through my face. he got his eyebrow pierced, and i got my lip done, and scott paid for it (because i am now broke). what a nice boy. i'm still working out how i'm going to explain it to my parents. it's not like it's permanent though; i'll take it out if they absolutely hate it, i guess.

last wednesday was the tribute's first show. i was able to sneak into vertigo (which is 21+). well, i didn't really 'sneak in,' so much as i 'waltzed right in and went to talk to the owner.' man, has vertigo ever changed. the couches of smacked-out e-tards have been replaced with tables, chairs, and candles. it didn't feel like home any more ;_;. everyone was convinced that they played horribly, but i thought they sounded good. and, to top it off, justin fell over when he was onstage. man, i wish the camera had been working to catch that one. it was a lot of fun, but it would have been better if i hadn't been all dizzy and nauseous from my prescription for half the time. i woke right back up when bluescreen started playing cover songs that are fun to sing along to though.

my lip feels weird...
as if this day hasn't been long enough, my brain suddenly decided that it hates me. dammit. stupid migraine, go to hell.

i think that my body in general is not very pleased with me. bronchitis, a cold, all-nighters, and forgetting to eat do not do a body good. oh well.

i had a project due for comic book class today. silly me, thought it'd be easy. ha. i was up all night, and worked on it until the moment i had to leave for class. i almost fell asleep several times during class. it seemed to go on forever. towards the end of class i got the strangest urge to just throw something at the professor. like a pen. or a large rock. maybe that'd liven things up a bit.

saturday was fun, except for the part where i got my fingers slammed in a window. that sucked.

i am so the tribute's number one fan. if there's a way that i can sneak into vertigo tomorrow, i will be there to see you guys play.

oy. the past three weekends have been completely full of drunken debauchery. ...and i've still got half a bottle of peach schnapps over at justin's apartment. heh heh heh.

i went to denny's last night with nick and j.w., and then dara came later to pick up j.w. denny's conversations are so random and fun. when we picked up j.w., aaron had just finished mopping the ceiling. i don't really know how to explain that one. apparently he's finished the pants, he just needs me to try them on and make sure they fit correctly. sweet.

i have decided that "awesome" is my new favorite word. i'm not really sure why, but it might have something to do with the fact that ultimate fakebook's new album is going to be called 'open up and say 'awesome.'' they way he said it was just fun. i've been saying it entirely too much.

i'm so random today. i think that i need to sleep.

doot doot doo...
valentines day 2002 was considerably better than valentines day 2001. i actually had a really good day. i went to comic book class, took extra-super-awesome notes (i paid attention!), and did well on the little pop quiz he gave. then i took the bus out to the mall, got my car, and went to rhino's to see jim fix, the red hot valentines, and ultimate fakebook.

i went to the show alone (mandy never called. she was "busy"), but justin and russ were there, so i got to hang out with them, which was nice. i haven't hung out with them in a while. rhino's was more packed than i've ever seen it.

jim fix was... kind of... not good. i couldn't get into it, but their set wasn't that long, so it was okay.

i really liked the red hot valentines. i decided that the lead singer has the same eyes/eyebrows/facial expressions as alan cumming. it was cool. the only problem with their set was that there was this huge crazy (retarded?) headbanger guy right next to me. he wasn't even doing it to the music, he'd just start at random, stop, then he'd step from one foot to the other while making a hand motion that could be taken... the wrong way. yeah. then he'd start over. i told russ that i was scared, and he said that justin would protect me. justin kept disappearing though. he must be too cool for us :P

ultimate fakebook played last, and they rocked my socks off. the first words out of my mouth when they went on were "god, that's a HUGE sweaty bald guy!" (the bassist). they were cool.

when the show was over, justin and i ganked the red hot valentines' set lists from the stage. souvenir!

after the show, i went to denny's and hung out for a while. some people thought i worked there. must've been the tie i was wearing. jay and margaret stopped in for a little while, and jay gave me a kiss on the forehead and a hug so that i wouldn't feel bad that i didn't have a valentine :D. neil, the manager, gave me a hug and a kiss too. it did make me feel better, though i wasn't that down about in the first place. after 19 years of not having a valentine, the holiday really holds no significance for me any more.

i went home because i had a horrible migraine and went to bed. it was probably the best valentines day in recent memory.

today was cool too, though the beginning sucked. i woke up at 6:30, moved my car back out to the mall, waited half and hour for the c bus, went to molecular biology, came home, slept, went to chemistry, came home, and slept some more. i don't know why i'm so tired all the time. if i didn't know better, i'd think i had mono again.

justin picked me up and we went all over in stupid slow traffic so that i could buy ghost world. we watched that, and the first episode of invader zim, then he went home. it was fun.

whoa... aaron just called me out of the blue. i guess i won the waiting game. he finished sewing the pants! and he said i can borrow his cowboy bebop dvds! and the skirt is almost done! woohoo!

i think i'm heading to bed now; i've got to get up and go apartment hunting with mandy tomorrow. hope we find some decent places (places that allow cats!)
and again kt has been neglecting her journal. meh... so much has happened, but i've had neither the time nor the energy to write them down.

i've been sick and had a horrible hacking cough for the past two and a half weeks. i'm starting to think that it may be more than a cold; something more along the lines of bronchitis. i've lost all faith in the iu health center though, last year it took them three weeks to figure out that i had mono and a tonsil infection, and to get me on medication that actually worked (and this was only after mandy took me to the hospital because i couldn't breathe and i needed HELP, but the goddamn health center was closed. it was like 4:30 p.m. on a weekday, and they were closed. thank you, iu health center, for the medications that didn't work, for the huge bills for the medications that didn't work, and for making me wait for three hours after i passed out in my chemistry lab just so that you could tell me that you don't know what's wrong with me, but it might be mono.)

i would just go to the doctor instead, but mine is about five hours away. i guess i'll just wait it out and hope it goes away soon :P.

i'm a model now. woooo... j.w.'s roomate aaron does fashion design, and i'm his model. free clothes! score! (although i haven't talked to him in a week... guess he's been busy. or something. i don't know.
stolen from timmy and ricky at denny's:

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