LJ is cleaning house, this is to prevent this journal from being removed.
soooo... i started a new journal. i got tired of "katriane."

my new journal is [livejournal.com profile] betterthanthis
add me if you care.
happy 21st birthday scottie*2*hottie!
everything that once was right in my world is now completely upside down.

grades for last semester were posted on thursday.
i called my dad at work in tears.

they asked me "why?" and "how?"
i was supposed to be the smart one.
it makes me sad that it took something like this to make them realize that...
i'm not their happy, talkative little girl any more.
it was a battle every day just to get out of bed.
i won't make it to med school.
i need help.

my lifelong dream is completely shattered. i will never be a doctor. ever.
in the back of my head, i knew it all along. i was just pretending for their sakes.
so much for that.

they wanted me to stay here. indefinitely.
i came thisclose to not returning to bloomington in august.
but - thank god, they're letting me go.
i'm taking the semester off, maybe the entire year... and working.
this will be good. maybe i'll finally get my head straight.

they're going to check up on me all the time... making sure i'm going to my appointments, taking my medication... maybe now we'll find something that actually works.
i'm tired of panic attacks.
i'm tired of depression.
i'm tired of anxiety.
i'm tired of migraines.
i'm tired of insecurity.

i drove to valpo/chesterton/michigan city on friday. it made me feel infinitely better just to be around my friends. erin, scott, russ, danny, and i shared pet stories over lunch/dinner, then we met dave and adria at pizza hut. we hung out for a while, smoked cigarettes while perched on russ's trunk, and watched the other bands. the tribute played last.

i hate goodbyes.

the drive home yesterday was awful. it was raining so i could barely see, and came very close to sliding off the road several times. not good. plus i had to go to four gas stations to find my cigarettes, and NOT ONE of them had bawls. grrr...

i made it home safely, and took the longest, hottest shower ever, and went to bed pretty early (for me at least). it was AWESOME.

this weekend was tough... especially for some people, and i'm sorry for that... if i could change things to make them better, i would...
i will always be here for you (ALL OF YOU), no matter what.

um... i think that's it. if not... too bad. must watch buffy now.
i miss you.

first grade teacher's name: mrs. collins.
last word you said: bogey! (talking to my dog.)
last song you sang: the clash - spanish bombs.


what's in your cd player: the last cd that justin gave me.
what color socks are you wearing: none.
what's under your bed: boxes of crap.
what time did you wake up today: 3:00.


where do you want to go: BLOOMINGTON, england, france, germany, spain, italy, greece, turkey, china, amsterdam, scotland, ireland, japan, india… everywhere.
what is your career going to be: cardiovascular surgeon. maybe.
where are you going to live: london, new york, boston, chicago… i dunno.
how many kids do you want: one or two… no more than three.
what kind of car will you have: ’58 corvette convertible. red with white side panels. mmmm… kt <3 classic cars.

current mood: bored. lonely.
current music: the simpsons on tv.
current taste: rainbow sherbet.
current hair: long, loose, curly, and brown.
current clothes: dark denim floods, rock star belt, red gir t-shirt, black cuff, black watch, necklace, headband, glasses.
current annoyance: my family. being so far from all of my friends. the lack of freedom.
current smell: none.
current longing: to have everything be the way it was two weeks ago. to be back in bloomington. to be held.
current desktop picture: something from deviantart.com.
current book: squee! - jhonen vasquez.
current color of toenails: none.
current worry: finding decent job. getting the apartment thing worked out.
current crush: you.
current time wasting wish:...
current hate: michigan.

1. what's the story behind your lj username? it’s a french version of "katherine" (my real first name) that i thought was pretty.
2. name five [5] of your favorite foods: iced tea with lemon, fried rice, cheese pizza, rainbow sherbet, strawberry smoothies from the mall.
3. have you ever had a makeover? no.
4. what's the longest time you've stayed out of the country/where? costa rica for 2 weeks, london for 5 days.
5. one thing you're grateful for today: my friends. even if they are 578927842785902 miles away.

the official tribute dance:

some of the better pictures:


heyyyy! my computer randomly decided to upload one (and only one) of the pictures that i took on friday in valpo!

ta da!

i'll try to get the rest up sometime soon, if my software will let me.

back to studying... bleh...

that's the sound of me falling down and becoming a stupid depressed emo girl again.


i was doing so well too...

i had so much fun on friday in valpo, and i don't really know why everything just came crashing down. the drive there was fun, although i'm sure i must have annoyed the hell out of jackie and adrienne with my musical selection (i was in a cutesy synth pop mood). we stopped in lafeyette for food, and while the members of the tribute were creating the official tribute dance in the parking lot of denny's, two of the members of star patrol pulled up! it was awesome! we got to valpo, and the tribute fucking rocked the venue. i have to say that it was their best show yet. we hung around the venue for a while, then adrienne remembered that she had a tent in the trunk of her car, so she and charlie pitched it in front of the venue. we went inside, and felt like the coolest people ever. it was great! we went to denny's (and i'm sure they hated us) and ate, then crashed at danny's. i didn't end up falling asleep until about 9 a.m. (fucking insomnia).

the drive today was awful. it was raining so hard that i could barely see dave's taillights in front of me, and i couldn't even crack the window so that i could smoke. on top of that, i was exhausted and my knees and back were killing me. blech.

i went to rhino's to see the tribute play, but while the next band was playing a huge wave of depression hit me and i had to get out of there. i wish i could just be happy with my life... i have a feeling it'll only get worse when i get back to michigan.

god... i feel so pathetic right now.
kt = big loser.

i think i'm going to try to go to bed now, even though i already know that i won't be able to sleep. i just don't feel like doing anything... i'll just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while.

< sarcasm > wheeeeeeee... < /sarcasm >
today has been absolutely wonderful.

for the first time in what seems like forever, i'm really happy. i can't wipe the giddy grin off of my face.

i'd like to thank all of my awesome friends... you're the reason that i'm smiling. i'm going to miss all of you so much over the summer.

<3 <3 <3

man, am i hyper.
so... i'd like to ask a favor of you (if you don't mind)...

a week from saturday (may 4?), i have to drive back home to michigan. it's a seven hour drive (i'm following my parents, and they drive very veeeery slowly). i'd really appreciate it if you could recommend some good songs/albums/artists for me to listen to on the drive. i'll burn 'em all on cd before i leave.

mandy's at cabaret right now
::seethes with jealousy::
i would have gone with her tonight, but i have to write a paper, and i wouldn't have been able to sit with trent and her anyway. still...

is it weird that i've never even seen my favorite musical? i've had the cabaret soundtrack since 1998(?) when it was revived on broadway. i saw a scene from it (with alan cumming!) on the tony awards, and being the WWII-era history/broadway musical nerd that i am, i immediately fell in love. oh well. seeing anyone other than alan cumming as the emcee would probably ruin it for me anyway...

willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret...
this has got to be one of the cutest songs ever. thank you erin*!

owww... my back hurts. muscle spasms suck. they suck a lot.

it's odd; the one weekend out of the entire school year that i expected to get drunk during, i didn't. instead i stayed in on Friday, and on Saturday justin and i went to see racebannon. the lead singer of racebannon is a funny dancer.

after the show i got one of the worst migraines i've ever had. i took my migraine prescription at about 12:15, again at 1:15, 2:15, 3:15, and 4:15 (i can take up to five in 24 hours). it did absolutely nothing to kill the pain, and to make things worse, my knees started aching at about 3. i was up until 9 in the morning, when i finally passed out from exhaustion. it was not cool.

at the rate i'm going, i'll be in a wheelchair by the time i'm 30. it's pathetic. stupid body... bad knees, muscle spasms, arthritis, weird standy-out throbbing veins in my hand, migraines, messed up feet (due to my barbie-esque arches), panic attacks, and so on... and on top of all of that, i'm a HUGE klutz, and i've got a long history of retarded injuries. i mean, i once knocked myself out with my own knee.

justin came over today and bought me a bunch of food! my hero! ::swoon::
no, really. i have 6.22 meal points to last me for two weeks. he bought me cereal and bagels and stuff that will sustain me until the end of the semester. thank you justin!

mandy got a new kitten! she's a tiny tiny calico, i think she's three weeks old. she fits in the palm of my hand. i really wanted to grab her and run out the door so that i could keep her, but i think mandy would kick my ass. she doesn't have a name yet though; they're waiting to see what her personality is like first. kt <3 kitties.

umm... go forth and become a happy cabbage!


(woo... somebody's a little hyper)
eeeeeeeeeee!!! weiner kitty!

tiny legs! tiny tiny legs!
sweet merciful crap! (a.k.a. kt just registered for next semester)

as of right now, this is how next semester's schedule looks:

9.05 - 9.55 BIOL L311: genetics lecture
10.10 - 11.00 CHEM C341: organic chemistry lecture
11.15 - 12.05 PHYS P201: general physics lecture
4.00 - 5.30 FINA A425: byzantine art history lecture

1.00 - 4.00 BIOL L113: biology laboratory
5.45 - 6.35 CHEM C341: organic chemistry discussion

9.05 - 9.55 BIOL L113: genetics lecture
10.10 - 11.00 CHEM C341: organic chemistry lecture
11.15 - 12.05 PHYS P201: physics lecture
4.00 - 5.30 FINA A425: byzantine art history lecture
5.45 - 7.40 PHYS P201: physics laboratory

1.00 - 1.50 BIOL L133: biology lab discussion
2.30 - 3.20 PHYS P201: physics discussion

9.05 - 9.55 BIOL L113: genetics lecture
10.10 - 11.00 CHEM C341: organic chemistry lecture
11.15 - 12.05 PHYS P201: physics lecture

... that comes to a grand total of 18.0 credit hours. fuuuuuuuuck.

i must be insane.

(i know i'm going to end up dropping one of the labs. 2 labs in one semester is suicide.)
for once, my insomnia is a good thing. i have a molecular biology exam at 8 this morning, and i need to study as much as possible.

this evening was fun. as i was walking home from comic book class, scott drove by and picked me up. we went over to danny's, and on the drive we saw (and yelled at) erin. adrienne's pictures from practice turned out really well. we walked over to collins, and the tribute had an acoustic practice, complete with ghetto casio keyboard. it was enough to pull me out of the funk i've been in lately. thanks guys.

in honor of the invader zim t-shirt that i'm wearing today, i decided to upload a picture that i did of myself in the style of the show.

ok... enough procrastinating. i MUST study now.
it's 6:50 a.m.

i'm still awake.

night after night, i lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
all i want is a good night's sleep.

i don't really know what's been going on with me lately.
i can't motivate myself to do anything.
i try to study, and i end up reading the same sentence over and over.
i still have no idea what i read.

there's no reason that i shouldn't be smiling.
i just can't.
i don't know why.

this is incredibly frustrating.
two panic attacks today.
out of the blue.
no reason.
can't breathe.
can't move.

i get a migraine just about every day now.
new prescription does nothing at all.

i don't know how i'm going to get through the next couple of weeks, especially finals.
hell, i don't even now how i'm going to get through the molecular biology exam on friday.
there's so little time left for me to pull up my grades.
i have to do well this semester; i don't want to disappoint my parents (again).
they've said that if i fuck this semester up, they might make me transfer to some school in michigan.
i can't do that. i love iu. i love my friends here.
i like it here more than i like being at home.
i'm dreading the summer.
it's going to be empty and drab, just like last summer.
work. work. work.
i barely even get to see my friends when i'm at home.
they're different from my friends here; i have a feeling that i won't get to go to any shows or anything when i'm home. i would go alone, but detroit isn't safe for 19-year-old white girls in nice cars who don't know the city very well.

i have to do well.
panic attacks, depression, anxiety, stress, migraines, illness, and insomnia are making that really difficult.

i'm just so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired.
soooo... i'm still awake and still bored...

decided to see what you guys think of this pic:

i know that it's a horrible scan, but it's the best i can do right now. this is just a sketch that i've been working on, little by little, for a while now. if i ever actually get the time, i'm going to ink it.

if you see any hideous anatomical errors (other than the fact that her head is too small and her hands are massive), let me know, so i can fix it.
i love how my body has decided that bed time is the very best and only time of day to be WIDE awake.

i was very sleepy all day.
i studied for four hours at denny's.
i came home at 11-ish.
i ate some lucky charms.
i got in bed at midnight.
it is now three a.m.
i am still awake.

i just want to sleeeeeeeeep, goddammit! is that so much to ask?

fuck you, insomnia.
it's been a very very long night.

i went to denny's around 10:30 because i was bored out of my mind. i sat with cowboy for a while, and we watched the construction workers on the road. then everyone showed up at once, they all made fun of me for being a high school cheerleader (shut up!). after a while, i got bored and left.

i went over to [livejournal.com profile] scott_tribute's for a little while, but then we went out to look for [livejournal.com profile] rockmusicnerd. turns out that his car broke down at collins, and he was at [livejournal.com profile] xreddan's. we went over there, and i sat and watched them play nintento until 5.

we went back to scott's to get jumper cables from my car, drove all the way back to collins, and promptly discovered that justin's battery was NOT the problem. (big fucking sparks = not good).

we pushed justin's car to the union, walked back to collins, and drove justin home to willkie. i then got my car, drove it to the srsc, and walked home.

holy fuck i'm tired.
and i can't feel my toes. maybe i should wear socks.

by the way justin - your car... well... it sucks. and it's heavy.
kt's lessons o' the day:

1. the tribute rocks.

2. it is possible to (somewhat) comfortably fit four full-grown people in a dorm bed.

3. i can eat half a pizza.

4. finding really expensive leather coats in the road is cool.

5. dave is the most randomly hilarious person EVER.

6. i don't like my knees. my knees don't like me.

7. comic book class is not nearly as cool as i'd hoped it would be.

8. the dark knight returns has a whole lotta crotch shots.

9. read has a lot of false fire alarms because "those music students think it would be 'quite quirky' to pull the alarm."

10. typing while drunk is hard.
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