Apr. 11th, 2002

it's 6:50 a.m.

i'm still awake.

night after night, i lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
all i want is a good night's sleep.

i don't really know what's been going on with me lately.
i can't motivate myself to do anything.
i try to study, and i end up reading the same sentence over and over.
i still have no idea what i read.

there's no reason that i shouldn't be smiling.
i just can't.
i don't know why.

this is incredibly frustrating.
two panic attacks today.
out of the blue.
no reason.
can't breathe.
can't move.

i get a migraine just about every day now.
new prescription does nothing at all.

i don't know how i'm going to get through the next couple of weeks, especially finals.
hell, i don't even now how i'm going to get through the molecular biology exam on friday.
there's so little time left for me to pull up my grades.
i have to do well this semester; i don't want to disappoint my parents (again).
they've said that if i fuck this semester up, they might make me transfer to some school in michigan.
i can't do that. i love iu. i love my friends here.
i like it here more than i like being at home.
i'm dreading the summer.
it's going to be empty and drab, just like last summer.
work. work. work.
i barely even get to see my friends when i'm at home.
they're different from my friends here; i have a feeling that i won't get to go to any shows or anything when i'm home. i would go alone, but detroit isn't safe for 19-year-old white girls in nice cars who don't know the city very well.

i have to do well.
panic attacks, depression, anxiety, stress, migraines, illness, and insomnia are making that really difficult.

i'm just so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired.



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